For many parents the idea of taking their own children to a funeral can be a confronting one. Understandably so!
Traditional funeral settings are not often designed with the needs of children in mind and most parents fear the need for such extended sitting, quiet and concentration. In some instances, adults are justifiably concerned with their own need to mourn and grieve and are overwhelmed with the thought of assisting their children in the same process. As a funeral celebrant and parent, I am enthusiastic about the inclusion of children in the funeral and memorial process, when children would like to be included and where their relationship with the person who has died was significant.
Funerals are important family rituals and it can be highly therapeutic for children to be involved in the processes of farewelling a loved one. Children who are involved in the farewell of a loved one will be potentially better off long term just as is the case for adults. In the instance where the deceased was the child’s parent or sibling, it may even be appropriate for the child to be involved in some parts of the funeral or memorial planning process and to meet the celebrant and funeral directors conducting the service prior to the day. I hope the following tips may be useful for families who are attending or planning a funeral service with their children for the first time.
- Ask the child if they would like to attend and respect their wishes. If there are many parts that make up the day (viewing, funeral service, committal, wake) it may not be appropriate for children to attend all parts but may be suitable for them to participate in one or more events.
- Consider allowing significant memories that the child may have with the deceased to be included and reflected in the service. Ask your funeral celebrant to help shape specific parts of the service to reflect these memories.
- Prepare the child for everything the day will entail. Where will they be? What will happen at each stage? Who will be there? What will we see, hear, smell? What will we wear and eat? This is best done by a person who is in an ongoing and trusted relationship with the child or when such a person is present. This information about what will happen should be truthful but not harsh or graphic. If time allows, go for a drive and show children where the parts of the service will take place in advance.
- Identify some ‘safe’ people that the child has established relationship with who will be there to support and assist them on the day. Talk to the child about who these people are prior to the day of the service. Consider that bereaved parents will often need the support of trusted others to help care for their children.
- Through conversation, remind the child of their relationship with the deceased and reinforce that death has not changed these memories or the feelings that they had for each other. Consider writing these memories and feelings into a book, journal or photo book with the child prior to the funeral.
- On the day of the service have an exit plan ready! Be prepared that child may become overwhelmed with all that is going on. Consider having a quiet space designated in the room where the funeral is being held that the child can safely remove themselves to if they wish. Take a bag of familiar toys or books that the child enjoys with you to leave in this space.
- Debrief at home. It is important that you continue to talk about the funeral (where the child is willing) after the service has passed. Don’t tell the child about the funeral but listen to their reflections and interpretations and have gentle conversation about any possible misconceptions or misunderstandings that the child may have. Younger children could also be invited to draw a picture of the funeral and this will show you what they remember and how they view and understand these memories.
When parents offer their children empathy and help them to cope with negative feelings like anger, sadness and fear, parents build bridges of loyalty and affection.
John M Gottman
Kristy Harmon
Whole Heart Australia